Just say "No!"

Recently I went down a road that I had promised myself I would never go down. It is with great shame that I admit that last Thursday I actually drank a cup of coffee. The reason behind this decision was a mixture of fatigue, curiosity, and fool-heartiness, but I am glad to have gained some insight into how the world works. I am now greatly alarmed that majority of the business world cannot function on a daily basis without their daily dosage of what can only be described as a relatively potent narcotic. The comparisons to crack I feel are totally justified. To illustrate, I think coffee tastes like crap, but that didn't stop me from downing 5 cups in a matter of hours. I made the following observations during this harrowing experience:

-The startling and dangerous high that comes with excess coffee drinking can be likened to the quasi-synthetic elements from the periodic table (i.e. promethium). The high comes from something natural (coffee beans) but takes a little bit of tinkering with from
us to get it just right.*
-The parallels between coffee and beer are noteworthy. Both taste better after you've had a few already, and both make me funnier (obviously I'm not drinking either right now).
-I like my coffee like I like my women, short and sweet.

Anyway, even though I was only a coffee drinker for 2 days, I'm finding myself having a hard time quitting cold turkey. Its amazing that a drink I truly hate in terms of taste can have such a pull over me. I figure if I can get through the next week and a half without giving into temptation I'll be in the clear, but I've been wrong before. Actually I'm wrong quite frequently, but thats a story for another time.

*note: This made much more sense when I was actually high on coffee. I wish that unicorn riding leprechaun that explained it to me during my hallucination was here to write this entry.

Super Soaked

The following entry is exhibit A for the case against me being considered an adult.

For reasons that I need not explain, I came into possession of 3 squirt guns at work recently. The 3 guns are in the shape of a shark, dolphin, and crocodile and open their mouths every time you squirt them (get your heads out of the gutter). Needless to say they are just about the coolest things ever.

Anywho, it didn't take long for me and a few of my co-workers to find ourselves in a Reservoir Dogs-esque stare down that erupted into an all out bloodbath (you know...if we would've filled the guns with blood instead of water). Luckily this didn't take place in our closet sized office for 3 filled with expensive electronic equipment. Rather, it took place in Millennium Park in front of a group of foreign tourists. Eventually we found shooting pigeons to be even more entertaining than shooting each other. I must tell you there are few feelings more satisfying than hosing down those winged rats. They hop/fly around like you would if you were drunk and could fly*.

Anyway, I imagine this becoming somewhat of a regular event for the next couple weeks, so if you're around the bean around 12:45, make sure to send the pigeons my way. You know they've got it coming.


*This blog in no way condones drinking and flying. Be responsible. Use autopilot.

Peas on that!

Greetings, reader (yes that is supposed to be singular, and more than likely is an optimistic estimate of how many people will view this post at some point)! While rummaging through my freezer in a fruitless (pun intended) attempt at finding something worth eating at 10pm, I stumbled across a pack of frozen peas. These peas, which of course I ended up shoving even further into the depths of my freezer than they were before I discovered them, were part of the rations so kindly provided by my mother when I first moved into my apartment in May 2007. That got me thinking...does anyone actually enjoy eating peas? Sure, I can shove them down my throat from time to time if absolutely necessary (that's what she said), but where's the flavor? Aside from what is surely a small amount of nutritional value, I don't see much point for the existence of the pea.

The pea is also the source of what I have just now decided is one of the most annoying sayings in the English language, "...like two peas in a pod." For some reason that phrase conjures up the image of the overly cheerly, moderately overweight assistant to Mr. Rooney in Ferris Bueller. A great character, no doubt, but certainly someone that if they existed in real life would be annoying as hell (and probably be the only person that enjoys eating peas).

In the end, I think that eating peas is a lot like getting all dressed up and taking a family portrait at some professional studio. You'll begrudgingly go and won't be any worse off for it, but really you're just doing it to make your mom happy.

It begins...

I hear this "blogging" thing is all the rage these days. Truth be told, if you (both of you) get hooked to this blog sometime in the next two weeks or so, be prepared for disappointment, because I'll probably lose interest and stop around the one week mark. That last sentence brings something fairly interesting to mind; if you do become a fan of this blog, there is probably something wrong with you, I mean, there are many things wrong with me, so it just makes sense logically.

Anyway, enough about you, you're all here for me anyway. Today at work I got bored, a rare event (hahaha, you can't tell if I'm being sarcastic or not), and decided to take a quiz to find out which pre-1985 video game character I would be. After a series of deep, soul-probing questions such as, "I like sounds that go...A. Beep B. Boom C. Whack D. Gloop E. ee-oo ee-oo F. Groink," the quiz told me that I was Mario. I was kind of relieved to see this since Mario is probably one of the few pre-1985 video game characters that I am really familiar with. Afterall, most of my worldly experience circa 1985 involved pooping myself and desperately waiting for my next meal. Only one of those two things has changed 23 years later, I'll let you decided which one for yourself.

Thats all for now. I'm actually impressed with myself. Don't get me wrong, I know its all jibberish, but I half expected myself to lose interest and stop writing right in the middle of a